Tainted Secrets

I am nothing

without you by my side

air I do not breath

food I do not eat

water I do not drink

steps I do not take

without you by my side

wait is what you told me-

so now I sit here

lifeless and alone

sadness seeps into me

but this is a worthy price

death makes me wait

without you by my side

here I wait

wrong I think not

right I always know

maybe one day I will move

if you were by my side

right is what this feels

waiting for you

even if it’s for an eternity

I sit as if I am a stone

on white puffy clouds

waiting for you to be by my side

when the golden gates swing open

this day I wait for

take your time

without you by my side

I am nothing

but your life is still living

your body still takes breath

yet mine does not

food my body can’t eat

without you by my side

here I wait

until you die too

here I wait at heaven’s gate

patiently sitting

I am nothing without you

but nothing is what I want to be

as long as you breathe still.

Passed By

I took a drag from my cigarette

and waited for a cross walk to change pace.

Walked when a white silhouette

of bright dots told me that it’s safe.

I took a drag from my cigarette.

While walking I felt a cold chill run up my spine

and looked to see a Raven held ransom by a net,

it’s suffering in the tree didn’t sink into my mind.

I took a drag from my cigarette.

A scream snuck into my head phones like a gong

being struck. My hand glide to volume, beget,

my music got louder and my Heart Beat along.

I took a drag from my cigarette.

In my mind’s eye, I saw the bird descend

to it’s end before I could forget

to sing to a song meant to offend.

I took a drag from my cigarette.

it shrunk closer to the filter. Thoughts of lighting

up again danced in my head like a marionette,

it’s strings pulled.

 I took a drag from my cigarette.

My lips stirred with no echo to a sad

tune. Many looking at me think I’m insane, yet

all writers are as far gone. How, then, am I mad?

I took a drag from my cigarette.

People tell me it’ll kill me one day,

but it’s not any worse than what I still regret,

in a Bleak December sloshing down liquor in dismay.

I took a drag from my cigarette.

Sirens invaded my ears as an ambulance came back

and passed. So what if I’m crazy or even a threat.

As if something dropped, the ground shook.

I took a drag from my cigarette

and threw it behind me before

a fire truck passed me, a man on a turret.

as heat struck me, I thought about it Nevermore.

I turned my music up louder.

We all live and die, just keep walking by as I walk and cry,

Die and lie, reminisce about the past, broken and alone, the sound of a tone

long forgotten rings and it brings along with it more sadness.

Monks on high alps hit a bell and yell to a higher power

and wish to excel, but alas poor soul alone it stays and waits,

feeling betrayed, hoping to be remade. The debts long repaid but we

still sit here and wait, hoping someone else will take control and roll us

into a new place with a new face in a new day and age. But here we stay

hoping for something new to use and abuse to hold ourselves up higher

then we could on our own. We’re all just stepping stones for other people,

we get walked on and stomped on like stones in a field that stretches’ out for miles and miles. Follow a yellow brick road with yellow tiles hoping it leads us into something new, something true. Or at least truer than we can be with ourselves.

I feel sorry for the men who kneel and ring the bells, but he probably would say the same for me, walking faceless and alone without a song to sing,

air to breathe and life to call my own.

For I am just a stepping stone, a pebble thrown into the water

in offer of a wish that’ll never be granted. Take control don’t let it roll

into a new place that you don’t want, don’t need, just breathe and wait,

sit and anticipate what will happen. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst,

start a new verse in the life that is your song and keep looking up to the stars in the sky, but know that one day you’ll get there because we all die.

We all lie and cry and wait in a line for our time to shine,

 but listen to this rhyme because it’s true.

You make you and you can control where you go, where you roll and where you flow.

Don’t follow others when you know they are wrong,

listen to the beat of your own song and dance to a new rhythm that is life.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

waited for the cross walk to tell me to go.

Walked when I saw a white silhouette

of a person telling me it was safe now.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

walking on the side beneath post’s holding light.

I saw a Raven in a tree caught by a net,

I didn’t spare it a second thought, looked forward a bit late.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

the bird feel off the branch and landed on the ground.

My feet kept moving before I could forget

that my favorite song was playing, I moved my lips to the sound.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

people keep telling me that it’ll kill me one day.

But I don’t think it’s any worse than, what I still regret,

drowning myself in liquor with depression and dismay.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

it shrunk closer to the filter. Thoughts of lighting

up a new one pounded into my head like an marionette

being controlled. Construction workers worked on a building.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

my lips moved with no sound to my favorite song.

I  knew people looking at me would think me insane for singing to myself, yet

all writers are as far gone. 

I took a drag from my cigarette,

a scream snuck passed my head phones like a gong

being struck. My hand glide across the volume, beget,

my music got louder and my lips moved along to the song.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

sirens invaded my ears as an ambulance passed by.

So what if I’m crazy, or even insane. I moved my barrette

more securely into my hair. My stomach growled with a hungry sigh.

I took a drag from my cigarette,

and put it out on the side walk when I stopped and hopped a fence.

A fire truck passed me, sirens blaring and a man on a ladder. I agreed on my intent

to eat toast cooked the way of the French.

Revenge on Repeat

Mrs. Brightside,

today you win.

so dance around me

singing your song of victory.

Shove my face in it.

My plan is already in motion.

Tomorrow I’ll win

and be dancing around you.

Today you made me trip

into the mud and ruin my skirt.

But tomorrow you won’t be

laughing when you find

your hair straightener

broken. Your head

will be a mass of curls.

Then you won’t be

Mrs. Brightside,

I will.

But I already see

the spider in my future.

You know how much

I hate them,

but I know

how much you prized

that machine.

HOLY FUCK. Last night was awesome and horrible at the same time… Good: I got really freaking drunk and shotgunned 2 16 ounces of keystone light. total of 4 1/2 of those. Bad: Realized that its really hard to resist someone when your completely in love with them and KNOW nothing can come out of it. Good: I haven’t thrown up! Bad: Almost being raped by a best friend and her best friend when they are really drunk and have NO idea what they r doing…Good: I GOT TO EAT JACK IN THE BOX!! I don’t eat fast food a lot… Bad: Missed my first class today, not even going to the second. Good: Those are classes I’m allowed to miss! Bad: Zoe cant come over and talk to me about stuff that i really need to talk about… But lets end on a good! Good: last night was the first night in a while i haven’t cried because of whats happening with Sam.  

I JUST HIT 10! An ex i didn’t have sex with called and on thing led to another ;D according to me and lauren’s rules, phone sexs counts. she is now pissed off and searching through her phone book for a new “Lover” of a night. BOOYA.

Saturday night I snuck out of my house at about 11:30pm, after talking to Zoe through Facebook chat(making her jealous beyond belief) , and headed to Michelle (blah blah)’s apartment, no more than a minutes’ walk.

 This black beauty with the body of a Goddess became mah number 9 in my battle against one of my best friends Lauren. We are now even with the number of people we’ve had sex with. 9. Booya. A couple weeks ago, my number 8 Sam (different Sam than the one that’s my best friend) brought along a strap on.

 Now THAT was fun to learn how to use. I had not used one before so she taught me some tricks, but thankfully I’m a FAST learner. ;] Michelle and I, however, learned some new tricks with what I like to call, “Magic Balls”. These are little metal balls attached by a string attached to your wrist, that you put inside a woman (or mans) orthosis of choice *cough cough*.

 In this case i rubbed them around her clitoris then moved them around inside her with my fingers. The cold balls soon became slick and warm, to my delight. I don’t have a number 10 worked out YET, but i do have my eye on a sexy little thing that sits right behind me in my English 127 class.

 Michelle i met in my English 101 class I took last quarter. Rule number one. Make sure you do not have a one night stand anyone you see every day. It gets unbelievably AWKWARD. Especially if they thought it was something MORE than a one nighter. I’ve had this happen twice. Bad Idea. Especially if it’s the ex of a friend.   

I got home at about 1:30am ;] just in time to sneak past my dad’s room, which is right in front of our front door. What we do for sex.

GRAAHHHHHHHH!!! My english 127 teacher is out for my life!! I SWEAR!! This Mr. Moreno is straight up EVIL. He doesnt know how to teach and needs to evaporate from the world.

First of all! He made us meet for class today, I dont have his class on mondays. only tuesdays wensday and thursday. Y? Because he felt like we needed an hour to listen to him reading off the paper work he gave us. WE ARE NOT MIDDLE STUDENTS! WE ARE COLLEGE STUDENTS! we can read paper work on our own.

then he gives us an ASSIGNMENT. this was appearently assigned on friday but i never got the memo aparently so i did it an hour before it was do. I BSed that ALL the way. looking forward to an A on that because this teacher is an idiot. Look at your life, look at your choices. dont be a college prof. go to elementry. thank you.

…The news i found out yesterday leaves me feeling like stone. The heavy feeling crushes my heart and makes it hard for me to draw in any breath. I broke down for the third time last night after Sam dropped me off at my apartment. I don’t know what will happen to me if she were to die. I don’t think i could take it. The medical news that she delivered Saturday morning, around 5am when we still had not gone to sleep broke my heart. I tried not to cry and stared at Nathan, knowing only he truly knew the exact pain inside my heart. If they don’t find a diagnosis for her, and because of her diabetic complications and anemia, she could die.  Wish I was becoming a doctor instead… I’d be able to help instead of uselessly being there and talk with her. I love her. She’s my metaphorical momma in my fucked up friend family. Nathan is my Twin. Alexa is my baby sister. Lauren is my big sister.

With out anyone of them my world would fall apart. Right now my heart absolutely crys for Lauren. She doesn’t know. If i know her, and I do, she will find herself at my apartment at random points in the night with tears in her eyes. But I understand why Sam is waiting. Lauren should have fun with her man in Texas and enjoy herself before the depression that is crushing me hits her too.

I answered Zoe’s text last night with a swift “What?”. she didn’t respond. I don’t blame her. She probably thought i was mad at her for not showing up at my New Years Eve thing. Which, I am, but it wasn’t her fault, she was sick. well, “sick” maybe. I don’t care anymore. Fuck relationships. I give up. This is the reason I have commitment issues. Because the people i love… Something always happens. We don’t even know IF anything WILL happen to Sam. It’s just a possibility. But that possibility absolutely kills me. And i know its not just killing me. Poor Nathan. He’s the one who will be next to Sam everyday at their college. He’s the one who will watch her everyday and force feed her.

A lot has to be on his mind. I don’t blame him for skipping out on the movie that me, Alexa and Sam saw last night. I wouldn’t have gone either, just cooped myself in my office and paint and draw, if it wasn’t for the fact that she’sgoing back to school with Nathan tomorrow.

Fact one: I like Zoe.

Fact two: I KNOW she likes me.

Fact three: I’m almost never wrong.

That means she must like me. I was the one who said, “Lets be friends.” Why? Because I’m a dumb ass. I am a Commitment Phoebe who runs away at the prospect of a lasting relationship. But this time its different, I legitimately LIKE  her. I have fuck buddies is that was what i was after. But I’m sick of JUST sex. For once i want something more. I want someone to cuddle with at night and kiss good morning. The other day, she was driving me home and we were talking, and we started saying things like “we were destined to meet”, “we are so alike its scary.” And then she said, “we are tied by a red string.” For those of you who don’t know, in japan, people’s true loves are tied to them by a red string on their pinky. I stopped talking after that. I was scared. That was the day I had came to the conclusion of, “FUCK FRIENDSHIP”  and i wasn’t ready to talk to her about it.

When she, if she, comes to my new years eve party on Friday… I think I’m going to kiss her when it’s midnight. Fingers crossed. She’s on a date tonight… God, please let it go bad! That woman’s not as pretty as me…

As of now, i have listened to the song “I’m not and Angel” by Halestorm 46 times, as Itunes is keeping track like the stalker it is. This is in one sitting i might add. I’ve been listening to it for hours now. Yeah, its 10:38pm on a Wednesday… I have no life right now. *Hand hits face*. Friday, however, is new years eve, and I’m having a party! Ohh joy, i get to clean up after my friends and hope to God that they don’t break my Xbox 360… Of course, i live on the third story of an apartment close to my community college, so loudness will not be appreciated by my pain in the ass downstairs neighbors. My dad promises to stay in his room. Ha. Like that will happen.

What I am looking forward to is Zoe might be coming over… Zoe is a woman(20) that I have a developing crush on…

I’m gay. Yes i prefer the words gay or dyke to define myself purely because they are shorter than lesbian. If i have to tell someone my sexuality, gay comes out quicker. A whole silyble. That saves me from crushing their skull at their snyde remarks or from seeing thier broken hearted faces any longer than i have too.

Zoe(pronounced Zoey, but her parents apparently desided that the Y was unessisary) and I met on the internet. Big shocker. If your like me you have to either go to a bar or go online to met anyone these days. Not everyone wears a badge or a dog tag saying who and what they are.

I had a ton more written.. but this thing crapped out and i lost it all.. i got to 62 songs in the process hahaha.